Before getting to know me, let’s talk about you. Why are you here? Why do you want to learn about me? What information could I offer you? If I offered you information about myself, would it benefit you? Do you gain something by learning about me? If you had not benefitted in the past from learning about an author’s history, you would likely have not asked me for mine, no? Why else would you ask, then, unless you’re nosy?

In the past, then, you’ve gained something from reading the author’s biography. It has made you feel ‘good,’ secure, and powerful in the past. Perhaps you’ve read an author’s biography after reading her text. You read her text, and felt unsettled by it. It confused you, because it didn’t make perfect, linear sense. Yet you still felt as though the text had power over you, as if it could reach out from beyond the grave, and diddle you. That her words had the power to move you in such a way, against your will, inflamed your righteous indignation. You wished you had the power to make words affect reality, too. So, in order to revenge yourself against the author, you search for explanations in the author’s biography.

Where did that inquiry get you, reader? Do tell. Did the text become more interesting when you learned it was partially auto-biographical? That the author was writing from memory, rather than from imagination? How informative was it to learn that your favorite author was weaned off breast-feeding too early? Does that fact alone explain her greed? What of the fact that your favorite author had an incorrigible nail-biting habit: does it now make sense why her characters exhibited no scruples whilst torturing others? That her characters loved to torture, and desired nothing else but the suffering of others? What do you make of her diet, notwithstanding the fact that she was a closeted cannibal? Ask yourself whether these facts quell your anxieties, or whether you are just as turned on as me.

That being said, I am not so obstinate to refuse to show the first sign of good faith, especially to my readers. One thing you should know about me is that I would never willingly set my readers up to fail. I want you to succeed! I want you to feel things you’ve never felt before, experienced pleasure you never felt possible before, to have each hair on your arms erect and petted. Yet you reject my gift by wanting to learn about ‘me’ ‘me’ ‘me.’ Why make this about ‘me?’ I’m writing for your sake! I’m not doing this for money or notoriety. Think of it like public charity. This is as selfless as a man can get!

Reader, can’t you tell your recourse to ‘facts’ is an irrational trick your mind is playing on you? You’re not a smarty-pants for fact-checking me. By explaining away ambiguity through a biological-historical interpretation, your mind protects you from experiencing the most sublime pleasures! Pleasures you didn’t even know you could feel! But instead of letting go, and experiencing your own body quiver and shake in ecstasy of the text, you suppress this experience, and rob yourself of your own pleasure! As an altruist, how do you expect me to willingly let you benumb yourself to every pleasure under the blazing sun? Why would I willingly suppress your sexual liberation? I refuse to ensnare you and keep you to myself. You will not just be mine. Limits are not an option, and will be met with the strictest consternation. Believe me. I am a man of my word.

Now, let’s get to know each other.